At some point in life, we get to the stage of having to confront our own demons; with the desire to bring about healing. Too many times in life we allow small pieces of ourselves to be chipped away or broken down, sometimes the cracks happen inside but we pretend to show a pristine state of us to the world. Not allowing the world to see the pain that is inside our soul.
I have been forcing myself to show the world that I am okay, that everything is okay. The truth is, I am hurting inside. After too many heartbreaks and love affairs, can I still pretend to be caustic about love, to pretend that I don't care?
Truth is I miss J very much and I wish he would call or sms, but I should never have fallen for him from the start; not having treasured H more will probably always be a turning point in my life, probably a regret that I will have to live with all my life. For T, I should have realized long ago that I'm not a priority in his life and he'll always have his other social engagements that come first. Simply put, we can be friends, companions and the occasional lover to each other. What other words are just simply illusions from him, and silly dreams on my part.
It is time to really wake up, move on and learn to love myself a lot more. No more hapless nights waiting, willing and wishing that someone to call. No more crying into my pillow. I am okay, I am great being myself. It's about learning to take what people say and proclaim with a pinch of salt... a big pinch of salt. And if all else fails, pinch yourself hard to wake up from the illusion.
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