Forest of Love

So many years on, and I am still lost in the 'Forest of Love'

Having attempted and climbed multiple trees in this magical forest, I have seen how this forest can be mysterious, uplifting, inspiring, wondrous and lit up all around with pixie lights, yet can also be dark, depressing, dreadful, scary and ringing with the sound of silence and solitude.

I have attempted to climb too many trees in a bid to see the light of the day and to find my way out of this forest at last, but none have proven to be the right tree. All too many times I have fallen off branches, fell, hurt myself and picked myself up again.

Sometimes the falls would be more vicious and I would find myself lying on the ground for days on end, as I tried to recover from the painful cuts and broken bones. After a while, I learned how to soften the fall in order to suffer less cuts and pains. At other times, I did not fall out of the tree but instead climbed back down on my own accord after realizing that the continued upward climb would lead nowhere; yet with some other tree, it could have been the pessimism that gnawed away at the courage that I had when I first climbed the tree, such that I retreated back down halfway during the climb for fear of yet being discouraged once again. Surely some of those who watch me might think it is folly and mad to start climbing a tree with gusto, only to beat a retreat simply because of the fears and insecurities in my heart.

Could it be that I have grown so used to living in this forest with all its wonders and hauntings that subconsciously, at the back of my mind, I fear to find a tree that would eventually show me the way out of this dwelling that I have grown accustomed to?

Some months ago, I started climbing a new tree. This tree offered an easy and comfortable climb, and it felt right. I could almost picture seeing the sun rays peeking at me from between the foliage. I climbed a little each day and as I did, the well spaced out and sturdy branches of this tree offered me a newfound sense of security that I have not had for so long. I became comforted by the consistent and gentle nature of this tree and as much as I still know not what lies ahead of me and whether this would be the tree that I had been looking for all this while... my soul felt comforted and I felt safe.

But then as I grew used to this tree, I saw another tree close by... from the distance that I was at, this other tree had a sort of illumination to it, its trunk was straight and smooth and it stood tall and brave. I saw that its branches looked strong and sturdy; it called out to me in its voiceless way. It challenged me to go to it instead, it sang out in my head that it was the tree that I had been searching for so long. It was close enough to see, yet I could not touch it. To get to it, I would have to climb back down into the forest in order to get to that tree.

It tempted me, a part of me wanted to find out what lay upwards if I were to climb that tree... yet I had spent several months now ascending this tree and a part of my heart told me to stay with this tree and to continue climbing it. Paralyzed by the dilemma of what to do, I sat in my tree mulling over what I should do... Some days, I started to climb down, tempted by the promises that the new tree might bring; the next day though logic would tell me to continue climbing upwards, perhaps I might soon see the sun. Just a few more branches up...

Life is a confusion, as mere mortals - how do we know for sure what is the right thing to do? Wise men and fools alike say, "follow your heart", but having lived long enough and suffered enough heartbreaks, I know too for a fact that our heart may not always be the best gauge. Emotions, is like a double-edged sword that can cut both ways. Emotions make us human but it also clouds our mind.

Is there a compass or a map that we can follow? Is there a guide or a wise man from who I can seek counsel from?

Do I continue climbing or should I descent to get to that other tree? What is life? What is love?

Self Reflections

At some point in life, we get to the stage of having to confront our own demons; with the desire to bring about healing. Too many times in life we allow small pieces of ourselves to be chipped away or broken down, sometimes the cracks happen inside but we pretend to show a pristine state of us to the world. Not allowing the world to see the pain that is inside our soul.

I have been forcing myself to show the world that I am okay, that everything is okay. The truth is, I am hurting inside. After too many heartbreaks and love affairs, can I still pretend to be caustic about love, to pretend that I don't care?

Truth is I miss J very much and I wish he would call or sms, but I should never have fallen for him from the start; not having treasured H more will probably always be a turning point in my life, probably a regret that I will have to live with all my life. For T, I should have realized long ago that I'm not a priority in his life and he'll always have his other social engagements that come first. Simply put, we can be friends, companions and the occasional lover to each other. What other words are just simply illusions from him, and silly dreams on my part.

It is time to really wake up, move on and learn to love myself a lot more. No more hapless nights waiting, willing and wishing that someone to call. No more crying into my pillow. I am okay, I am great being myself. It's about learning to take what people say and proclaim with a pinch of salt... a big pinch of salt. And if all else fails, pinch yourself hard to wake up from the illusion.

A lazy Sunday Afternoon

Woke up to a lovely day today, did a lot of lazing around the house, then went out for a lovely relaxed breakfast at Starbucks with SP :) We had our all-time favorite hot chocolate and shared a chocolate chip muffin which had a sprinkling of what I thought was peanuts and what SP thot was walnuts... anyway it was still yummy nonetheless!

After the rather sinful breakfast, I decided to further indulge my craving for freshly made waffles with chocolate and blueberry filling... yumz... as usual SP was his 'crazy' and friendly self and made the Prima Deli auntie smile with his jokes that always seem to pop up from nowhere haha anyway, the auntie probably liked him so gave us a very generous filling of chocolate and blueberry so our waffles was really oozing with the yummilicious stuff (very satisfying :D)

After that we headed to Cold Storage where SP wanted to do some groceries shopping since he was planning to cook for his family... here are some pictures of him picking up mussels and happily finding the garlic and chives he needed for his dish :)

Apparently his menu is gonna be fettucine in cream sauce served with a side of chicken and mussels broiled in lager (yep beer)... I managed to convince him to buy fresh mushrooms to add to his pasta dish... so I think the addition should make the dish more yummy...

Anyway hope he has fun cooking... I decided to head back home to continue my lazing and uploading of some new pics onto FB... also started my FlickR account... haha not bad for 3/4 of a Sunday! Yayyy!!

You are the Communicator

You Are the Communicator

You are a collector and facilitator of knowledge. You love storytelling and teaching. You light up when you're around other people, and you especially light up in front of a crowd. You are a charismatic person who's genuinely a joy to be with. You remind others to have fun. You love life, and you're wake up grateful for every new day. This attitude makes the people around you love life as well.

What's Your Life's Mission?

The Cause of My Pain

Here... I know its gross but after all the effort and pain I had to go thru to get it out... It's a pity not to 'flaunt' it.

The exorcised wisdom tooth (Total Bill: S$676 / of which S$450 can be claimed from Medisave)

It took about an hour or so of pushing down on the tooth to crack it, before yanking it out and digging in my gum for the roots and then be sewn up - 5 Days MC to get over the ordeal and 4 kinds of medications, antibacterial mouthwash and plenty of gauze..

He's just not that into you

Not sure if the love advice offered by this book is too absolute in its way of defining the blacks & whites and rights & wrongs in love... but its was definitely a fun read and encourages women who are putting up with their 'half-past-six' relations to kick the bummer's ass and move on to greener pastures...

According to the book, HE's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU if...

1. He doesn't take the initiative to ask you out (basically you are doing all the work to try and propel the relationship, asking him out and being lovey-dovey, etc.)

2. He doesn't call when he says he's going to (yup, that's the answer most women who are constantly staring at their phones, willing and praying for it to ring should know - he just couldn't be bothered enough with you to realize that you are waiting for his call like a fanatic while he is out galivanting with his friends or that you are just concerned whether he is safe.) Worse still, he doesn't pick up when you call him and doesn't call back when he sees a missed call from you - heck maybe he even said he thinks you call him too much! :(

3. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you (for good reasons we are sure) - but the fact is he is not sufficiently into you to want to be committed to you.

4. He doesn't want to have sex (self-explanatory) aka he has a fear of intimacy? Unless he's gay and you are into gay men...

5. He is sleeping with somebody else

6. He is not in a position to love you FREELY (THAT IS - He is married and stringing you along for the haul in the mud)

7. He makes you feel less about yourself (He probably has an esteem issue himself and is unable to love himself or other person for that matter - all he wants is to pull you down to where he is by talking you down, bullying or just being obnoxious and insensitive... generally better off dating a bouquet of flowers... at least they look pretty and smell nice)

8. He does not want to marry you or even consider that possibility

9. He is cold, aloof, rude, standoffish to your friends and family

10. He keeps breaking up with you or threatening to break up with you

11. He just DISAPPEARS

It doesn't take a genius to figure out the above, so bite into it and take what you will from it... maybe if you are just in any of the above situations... the book is an added push or a wake-up call to get out of your 'He's not that into YOU' relationship :)

A Special Guardian Angel

A poem I wrote for my professor, Dr. Musselman

A Special Guardian Angel

Too many people we brush shoulders with and never learn their name
Some we learn and forget
Some we meet and part, yet do not forget.
Once in a long while though, we cross paths with special people who become and remain an absolute part of our lives; in essence friends who become family

Relationships like these are precious gems that one sifts from the journey of life
They give meaning and reason to life
Likes colors on a painter's palette, they make the journey a million times more vibrant, a million times more meaningful

While one may not have the privilege of spending time with such gems in-person everyday,
yet their very presence, establishes itself like a distant lighthouse.
A beacon that provides direction and comfort in the darkest of nights, after the heaviest of storms

In many ways, these specials souls are like guardian angels
And You, my dearest BFMG can only be such an angel